Eulogy for Dad

Here We Are

I want to give you my impression of my father’s life.  As I wrote this, I found myself organizing my thoughts the way I’d write a scientific talk:

·      give the conclusion
·      give the evidence and interpretations,
·      give the conclusion again.

So bear with me, here goes. 

I am who I am because of my father.  He raised me.  He supported me.  And in the last phase of his life, we became true friends.  He loved me, I loved him.

I want to talk briefly about the events, phases, and meaning of Dad’s life.  I promise not to go on too long.

Events

My father lived from 1929 to 2025.  Think for a minute about some of the events he experienced:

·      Great Depression + New Deal
·      World War II + start of the Cold War
·      Rise of the American military/industrial/academic complex
·      The age of American’s abundance and wealth
·      End of European colonialism, more or less
·      Korean War and the threat of nuclear weapons
·      Civi Rights Movement + Vietnam War
·      Reaganomics + AIDS Epidemic
·      Neoliberalism and the rise of late-stage capitalism
·      The Internet and personal computing
·      Gulf Wars I and II
·      COVID + Black Lives Matter
·      Whatever the hell the present moment is

Wow, That’s a lot for one life.  In some ways, maybe he moved on just in time. 

So those are some events – there are many more…

Phases 

When I was with Dad at Johns Hopkins Bayview Medical Center, I could not sleep at all one night.  In all honesty, I was trying to decide whether to increase his level of palliative care - morphine.   A choice about compassion and mercy.  Well, my struggle with this isn’t the point.  I mention it because I thought about my father and his life.  It seemed to break out into six parts.  Later, when we were cleaning out his apartment, I found a talk he’d given about his life when he was in his 70s. At that point he identified the exact same first four phases that I’d articulated. 

Thanks for that Dad. 

So, six phases.  These would be:

Phase I: Childhood – Young Adulthood in Grove City PA – public school, Grove City College, and summer vacations at the Chautauqua Institute – music and arts.  Fascination with flight.

• Phase 2: Leaving Home – serving in the USAF in NM, NV and Pacific, and early work in higher education in TX

Phase 3: Marriage and Fatherhood – Dad met my mother Martha in Lubbock Texas, and they were married in 1958.  By the time my sister and I were around, we’d settled in Bethesda, outside Washington DC, where Dad had a long career in the Department of Education.

Phase 4: Retirement – Dad and Mom stayed in Bethesda after he retired in 1982. He began a long series of activities.  He was:

1)     a docent at the National Air and Space Museum and the National Postal Museum;

2)     a volunteer staff aide at the National Archives;

3)     a supernumerary in 20 productions at the Washington Opera;

4)     a volunteer at thirteen National Folklife Festivals. 

5)     a serious cyclist – 7 charity rides, over 4k total miles per year

We were all surprised by his activity level – he was suddenly much happier and clearly enjoying life.  We all thought, where did this person come from?

Phase 5: Caregiving – My nephew Nigel – Dad’s grandson, was born in 1993 and my niece Elsie – his granddaughter, in 1996.  While Dad continued his activities, he and my mother also helped care for their grandchildren.  This was a rich addition to their life.  This led to their move to Harford County, and eventually to Avondell.

My mother’s health began to fail early in the 21^st century, and my sister received a cancer diagnosis in 2003.  Dad added caring for both of them, in addition to the grandkids - both in terms of time and resources.  Eventually, my niece and nephew grew up.  My sister died.  My mother died.  This led to the final phase of Dad’s life.

Phase 6: Avondell – if you live at here, you know what I’m talking about. Dad was very active here:

1)     the Avondell Choir;

2)     directing the Avondell Players;

3)     painting and art class;

4)     Wii Bowling;

5)     volunteer work on the Veterans and Holiday Fund committees;

6)     serving as Resident Ambassador for prospective residents;

7)     volunteering at the Cancer Center at Upper Chesapeake Medical Center;

8)     regularly watching the Metropolitan Opera, or the Orioles, or British TV dramas while making latch hook rugs, and

9)     cycling, swimming, all the activities offered by Avondell.

 He also became remarkably social.  I thought to myself, who is this person?  Was this inside him all this time?

So that’s six – Childhood, Leaving Home, Marriage/Fatherhood, Retirement, Caregiving, and Avondell.

Meaning

OK, that’s all the evidence – what does this mean?

Really, you all can decide for yourselves – you all knew him in different ways than I did.  I’m not coping out; I’ve got four lessons:

1)     First, and least profound, for god’s sake be organized for the sake of your heirs.

2)     Positivity – he had a phrase “things always work out” which drove me crazy at times as it seemed too pollyannish.  But I realized this wasn’t a passive statement – it was the ability to take actions, but then accept and detach from outcomes.  I need to remember this one. 

3)     Stay active – mentally, physically, and spiritually.   CoK thing

4)     Always keep becoming - I hope you can see how Dad changed and adapted in each phase of his life – his actions, his values, and his beliefs.  He never stopped growing.  I firmly believe he was the truest to himself at the time he passed.

So let me end how I started.

I am who I am because of my father.  He raised me.  He supported me.  And in the last phase of his life, we became true friends.  He loved me, I loved him.

Thank you.